Letters

I have a love/hate relationship with letters.

When someone special takes the time to physically write and hand you a letter, it feels like the greatest thing in the world. You want to cherish it, put it somewhere special, and keep it tucked close to your heart.

When someone special hurts you, letters fucking burn holes into your very core. You know you should toss it away, burn it, forget it somehow… but you can't. You still cherish the words that came out of the same mouth that's telling you something much harsher in the present. So you hold onto it. You get pangs of happiness and pain simultaneously, pangs that rip apart your insides and kiss the pieces.

You can't bring yourself to throw away the words because they meant too much to you in the beginning. And maybe, just maybe, they'll mean something to that special someone again.

This is why I have a love/hate relationship with letters.

Smile

Why is it that

when I think of you

I can't help but feel upset,

but

when I see your face

I only remember the times you smiled at me

the way you smile for your camera?

everything was such a drama for you, and i fell into it anyway, knowing this.
I'm afraid that knowing something doesn't stop it from affecting you anyway. It doesn't even help.

"I had no regrets until I met you. Now my regrets could kill me." 

Scorpio

Vulnerable scorpios can destroy what they love the most

a person, their body, their mind, or their integrity. a scorpio who has tumbled into a well of self

destructiveness can teeter on the edge of obliteration waiting for a hand to drag them back to the surface.

the bottom is where scorpio takes their deepest breaths,

waiting for the sorcery in their spirit to conjure something wild. when they lose their body and

all sense of self they find their soul. and it’s something a

scorpio can really feel if they go deep enough, they can feel the electricity of infinity charging

through them, they have a real intimacy with the cosmos that reside within. intimacy is more than sex with scorpio. it involves unwrapping secrets, scars, and

skin until nothing is left but subjection and exposure.

you knew this when you gave me the book

it was the last thing you gave me

the last line of the last thing you gave me talked about

the inferno we form by being together.

winter in gambier

I still go down to the construction even though its getting too cold for it now. I just end up standing there in the snow alone while nobody works on it. People have been saying for a while now that this is a haunted campus. I think i understand why. I dont believe in ghosts. Other people at work do, they tell these crazy stories. Someone said they saw a white figure in the middle of campus. People floating through the floor, stuff like that. I havent seen anything. But theres this feeling of loneliness. It hits me hardest when im down at the site. Feels like there should be two of us standing there. That hasnt left me yet.

I read somewhere that when you lose someoen you love, you lose everything they gave you too. But I keep reading calvino. Its one of the ways youre still haunting me. I know i shouldnt. But i read this book, over and over again. I keep thinking about the inferno. With the lonelyness, and this feeling like im spiralling into the air like a snowflake going nowhere and turning into no one. Melting in the light. Thats being a snowflake alright. It makes my head feel lke an inferno. These fucking headaches dont help. Last night i had a migraine so bad i threw up. Hope these go away soon.